All About Awards Show Season

Some people think all award shows are the same. And those people would be… what’s the word I’m looking for… wrong. The annual booze and smooze fest at the Golden Globes is the silliest of the Hollywood award shows, considered the unofficial kick-off to awards season and for me, the only cure for the post-holidays/mid-winter doldrums.

Since the Writers Guild of America strike bumped the traditional Globes ceremony, Globes prez Jorge Camara said, “We are all very disappointed that our traditional awards ceremony will not take place this year and that millions of viewers worldwide [are] deprived of seeing many of their favorite stars...” “Deprived” is right! Did anyone take into consideration my burning desire to see James McAvoy in a tux or Jack Nicholson high on whatever Jack always seems to be high on, before they made this decision? Apparently not. How dare they cancel such an important part of American culture.

So in order to help me grieve and start the healing process here a list of all the things you might have seen last Sunday had the ceremony actually taken place.

What I'm Sad I Missed

Drunken table hopping – The free-flowing booze at the tables usually creates an environment that is reminiscent of a high school prom and almost always leads to George Clooney starting the evening next to one hot babe but ending the night with his arm another. I should’ve been that babe (either one - I’m not picky).

Travolta, simply stunning as Hairspray's Edna Turnblad.
© New Line Cinema

John Travolta arrived dressed as his Hairspray character, Edna Turnblad – The Globes are notoriously laidback so if John showed up dressed like Edna, donning her signature purple polyester stretchy skirt and matching sweater set, then more power to him. I’d finally be interested in the answer to the age-old red-carpet question, “Who are you wearing?”

Johnny Depp Performing a Song- On the Sweeney Todd soundtrack, Depp’s voice has the perfect balance of range and emotion. I would’ve loved to see him perform a song from this Globe-nominated film if for no other reason to expose the huge TV audience to a talent Johnny has been hiding from all of us. (I know it’s unlikely that he would perform on the Globes, especially since none of the Sweeney songs were nominated, but a girl can dream, can’t she? Oh and if he wore pirate tights, all the better!)

Cutaways to Alec Baldwin’s Apartment – This year Alec Baldwin offered to host the Golden Globes nominees (himself included), at his own New York City apartment so they wouldn’t have to cross a picket line. Like the actual Globes ceremony, he would have needed to serve dinner and provide enough booze to get everyone sufficiently liquored up. Who needs gift bags filled with cosmetics and iphones when Baldwin is dishing out whitefish salad?

Elizabeth Taylor – I laugh and cringe at the same time, imagining her confused, slurring her speech (due to age or booze, or in her case both), blaming it on the prompter scrolling too fast, realizing she forgot her glasses and finally fumbling through the pronunciation of the name “Saorise Ronan.”

What I'm Glad I Didn't Have To See

Last year’s Miss Golden Globe, Lorraine Nicholson and father Jack.
© Getty

Rumer Willis as Miss Golden Globe – Every year the Hollywood Foreign Press Association picks the child of a celebrity to assist in the Globes ceremony. Unlike a bat boy for the Red Sox, this role serves no purpose other than giving the celebrity parent the opportunity to say to the world “hey, isn’t my daughter hot?” The past Miss Golden Globes have been children we never even knew existed, like Lorraine Nicholson, daughter of Jack. But this year’s honorees were Josh Brolin, whose award-nominated movie choices have clearly eclipsed his father James’ entire movie output, and Demi and Bruce’s daughter, Rumer Willis, famous for appearing in her parents’ movies and being photographed at the clubs with Lindsay Lohan (which might take away any credibility she has as an up-and-coming pillar of the Hollywood community). I would’ve loved to have seen Brolin get drunk and hit on her!

Cecil B. De Mille Award – This year’s De Mille award winner was Steven Spielberg. I love the man who produced the Goonies (woulda been nice to see former “Goonie” Brolin giving him a hug) but it seems like the winner of this award is not beholden to a speech time limit and that is not cool. As the winner of last year’s De Mille, I’m pretty sure the lost-in-a-trance Warren Beatty is still giving his acceptance speech somewhere at the Beverly Hilton. 

Golden Globe winner Emily Blunt, getting her smooch on.
© Getty

Winners kissing the award – These people must be really schnockered if they’re cradling the award like a baby and puckering up to a cold metal, odd shaped, globe-type thingamajig.

Presentation from the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – The Globes show always features a presentation from their photojournalist figurehead (usually, their El Jefe is the kind of ungainly-looking man who clearly belongs on the other side of the camera) giving some speech about... well, I never listen and I highly doubt anyone else does either. Maybe if Diablo Cody, former-stripper-turned-nominated-screenwriter for Juno would’ve performed on a stripper pole behind him while he spoke, that loud sound you would hear would not have been everyone’s TiVo fast-forwarding, but the sound of husbands yelling, “Honey, hit the ‘record’ button, hit ‘record’, right now!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Last year the Governator signed off the telecast with a twist on a line he made famous, “don’t worry, next year, we’ll be back.’ Guess not!